The Amazing Low-Cal Beer and You!

Have you noticed there aren’t any commercials for good beer?  It’s always the shitty macro beers you see on TV.  Or the “imports”.  I watched a commercial today for MGD 64.  The premise behind this awesome beer is that it has low calories.  That’s right, low calories.  We’re worried about calories in our beer now?  We all know that drinking a lot of beer will give you the DREADED BEER BELLY (AAAAAHHH!!!!).  You’re just supposed to drink in moderation.  Or at least that’s what the Red Stripe guy told me.

Hooray Responsibility!

Have you noticed that things with low calories are also lacking taste?  Light butter doesn’t taste like butter, it tastes like slimy water.  Diet Coke doesn’t taste like Coke (and those people that say it tastes the same are either lying, or delusional), it tastes like fizzy vomit.  So, the only way I can keep from getting the DREADED BEER BELLY (AAAAAHHH!!!!) is to drink something that has no taste.  I highly doubt I’m going to get a beer gut from having a few regular, good tasting beers.

Hooray Responsibility! Again!

Have you noticed that these low calorie beers are marketed as if you’re an athlete, and by not drinking the low calorie beer you’re going to end up with the DREADED BEER BELLY (AAAAAHHH!!!!)?  It all makes sense.

“Drink this awful beer.  It won’t make you fat, like all those other beers will.”  -creepy voice

Why would I drink a beer like that?  I’m having a beer!  It’s not supposed to “compliment my active lifestyle”!  If you’re running a marathon, you don’t come across an MGD 64 Station, you come across Water Stations, and Gatorade Stations.  (although a beer station would be much more exciting)  I would like to point out that if you actually lead the type of active lifestyle that these diet beers are supposed to be promoting, then you can afford a few extra tasty calories in your beer because you will burn them off later.  This is about drinking tasty beer, not looking ridiculous for the Jersey shore.

BOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Have you noticed that drinking an MGD 64 is horrendous?  I doubt many of the people reading this have tried it.  And believe me, try and keep it that way.  The beer is light yellow and clear (lighter than most urine).  It’s over-carbonated and has no flavor.  In all honesty, I’d rather have seltzer water (it’s cheaper).  It feel like the brewers have no love, no passion for what they do, they just bottle it.

So please, beer drinkers, stay away from those crappy low-cal beers.  Feel free to emasculate anyone you see drinking one.

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